Adopted

         In a real down mood all day today, and couldn't figure out why. I was working a lot, doing all the things I needed, such as trying to put my baby to sleep again when she was tired but she wouldn't because of repressed anxiety, ate a healthy meal or two, snacked a bit, went to the drug store and picked up baby wipes and roast coffee cups- treats for my husband and I, did a bit of laundry and cleaning... Something was very off though. I did have another terrifying dream that confused me a lot. Of course, something about being in war with people, and saving my baby... drabby. I listened to John Bradshaw about reclaiming your infant self, and then your toddler self, on the Oprah show. He did a session where volunteers would come up on a stage, and one would close her eyes and the other men and women would tell her loving affirmations they thought she would need as she entered the world. Such as, "We love to have you here," and "We are so Glad you're a gi...

        Extremely interesting. I went to the photo store to develop some pictures of my birth family for when I see them again. I figured my Dad would want some because he told me he likes to look at the pictures I gave him. As I was going through them, I noticed my aversion towards some of them. I kept feeling like I did not want to develop them, but then thinking that they were good memories... I was conflicted. It was because I was judging myself, and did not like aspects of myself that I saw in the pictures. I remembered how in the past, I hated a picture of myself from earlier on, and after some time I grew to love that same picture. The reason was because I saw myself in the picture as beautiful, and no longer ashamed of the imperfection. I decided that all the pictures were important, and they each told a different story. But not always do we see the good in things, and I still do not see the good in certain insecurities I have. Meaning, I still possess shame ...

             I really appreciate what Mark Smith said in Family Tree Brand Life Coaches, in 7 Ways To Get Busy Living Instead of Getting Busy Dying, about how in recovery from C-PTSD we have our ups and down days but the main thing is to keep trying. Because every day you work towards recovery and self-care, you are working towards living, and every down day, you are doing the opposite. I really agree and see this is my own life. How when I am not working on recovery and positive manifestation, in my thoughts and actions, I am going down. Dowwwwwn. It is refreshing to hear from the expert on recovery from this that it is a reality in the journey. He also said that you will have days where you defeat the flying monkeys and can truly manifest yourself, and assert yourself in life. This is my dream, and I see it happening slowly. I no longer care what the naysayers think. I don't let them get to me as much. And I see them falling on their knees to gain my...

I don't know what it is. Teal Swan says in her video Fear of Intimacy ... some amazing things. That we have fear of being intimate with people because of how our parents did not let us be ourselves with the feelings flowing, so we learned that intimacy means not sharing our true feelings, and the only way to be yourself is without people. So we put ourselves in a little bubble around others, not trusting intimacy at all, and we greatly hurt others who want to be intimate with us because we shut down at times, leaving them wondering what happened. We won't speak of it for fear of losing ourselves, because we simply don't trust humanity. It is terribly sad and I see it all the time in codependent people who have ignoring-emotions parents. They act all sweet but you can sense the distrust and distance. And I always blamed them, but I have it too because otherwise I wouldn't let it get to me so, and I would realize they have a problem. As I saw in quote: that moment you re...

It was an awful day today I really don't understand what got into me. A demon or devil. I acted bat crazy. Woke up on the wrong note, yelled at myself to not eat before meditating, angry about last night's eating fest when she didn't sleep right away. She woke up with sad tears and I went running. Pressured all morning to get the day done, and she didn't want to sleep in the afternoon. I was thinking about how I am noticing that the whole society does not value the mother child bond how they get nervous with their kids for being needy and throwing tantrums. They don't understand feelings. And John Bradshaw said kids don't know how to stop their feelings from flowing with logic. Abuse causes them to doubt themselves and run the tapes in their head of how bad they were told they are. Last night when my daughter bit me and I pushed back at her I saw her laugh with surprise, and anger flew in me. I saw how she was scared of me and I felt very dejected and awful...

My heart really goes out to all the kids whos' parents spoil them and give them all they would want. I see that this doesn't allow them to feel able to do things, and reduces them to a mere animal in capability of functioning. They start to believe themselves as deserving Every thing handed to them, and lose sense of capabilities to develop their skills. It reduces them to be just another version of everyone else, and that they need to over work themselves to matter in a specific way. My heart breaks in two when I see and witness spoiled children and their mothers really paying them attention for their uniqueness, and just using them for attention and over-emphasizing their looks. They also keep offering them treats because they think that will make them happy. This is because people see others only on the level they are able to see themselves, and therefore they cannot see a child's truth. The same way they need to run after materialism over turning to the true matters in...

Even when it seems the right thing to do, if it comes with bad feelings and resistance don't beat yourself up. Go inside and pay attention. Teal Swan said we beat ourselves up in the name of being "spiritual," and it's the sneakiest and deadliest thing we can do. It takes away our soul and humanity. And we do it to ourselves and others. It's time to go look in the feelings and be REAL. Because if you are not involving YOU in what you do, it is spiritual bypassing and cognitive dissonance inside. It is a tactic to get you to lose sight of who you are. I am awesome, and I never believed this about myself even when I saw that I was. Because my outside told me I was a loser and an example of whatnot to do in life. This caused me lots of self-doubt and cognitive dissonance, because if I could not trust my own self perception, how can I do anything right? So when it came to anything in life, I just doubted my skill and general goodness.  It caught up to me ...

           Hurray for John Bradshaw! I decided to listen to a playlist of him on YouTube, and it gave me inspiration and understanding. He said that when little children and infants are abused, emotionally or physically, they don't know it's abuse because it is all they experienced. They internalize the blame because they idealize their parents. in adolescence, they can see things clearer and that is why there is a lot of pain in that stage. They grow up with those same notions that they grew up believing, which is why it is so important to KNOW their childhood stories in order to understand why they think the way they do. People form their identity around how they were treated in early years, and if it is against their will, they will be people-pleasers and having a "counter-identity." Meaning they will learn that the way they are is by being quiet and invisible. This is what happened to me, and why I formed my identity around being perfect and falling to ...

    There is no escaping it. When things are not going my way at all, and they are just not getting any better. There is no where to run. Food doesn't help me anymore. I am just shattered in pain. I can't think anything happy anymore. I am struggling to stay alive, feel like I'm drowning. I have no choice but to face the vortex. No body knows, no body cares. I feel that piercing through me and I can't think of any comfort. The only comfort there is is that one day I will die and know why. WHyyy I had to go through all this. Feeling like I'm in hell. Like I'm nothing. I don't matter at all. I can't feel anything for my daughter. All I feel is anger that she is not doing what I want her to. That is, to sleep. She is misbehaving, acting annoying. I feel like I'm seeing everything blurry. I can't see reality as it is. I am shifty and going through pain that blinds me. I stare ahead. I can't stop the pain, there is no where to run. Anger flashes a...

          I was thinking of this concept and I watched all about it in the TV show This Is Us . I don't watch TV, but I allowed myself this one show because I heard it was powerful and about adoption, and they portray it in a different light than the usual on TV. It is raw and more real. So I have become addicted to it, always watching the shows and waiting and wondering about the storyline. It is not perfect, there are very "TV" show moments where I roll my eyes. Such as way they display the relationships at times. But it is still pretty powerful and meaningful.          So this time, I watched the episode where the adopted son, Randall, aged 36 and raising a family of his own and highly successful in business, decided to adopt to "understand his own feelings." And he admits to it, and his wife and him have a whole heartful talk about how he tried all his life to be perfect to run away from feeling his emotions of unworthiness because...

        So I had the worst day today. I went to bed from 4 to 8, because I was so upbeat about my spiritual awakening that I didn't want to sleep. I woke up energized, and jumped up to eat wholesome oatmeal, feeling good about letting myself go in what I desired. I realized that all the times I restricted myself, put pressure on me and then I snapped on my daughter later on. So I decided to be happy and mindful. I also let myself enjoy because I noticed how my adoption really stifled me from feeling my feelings, so I was trying to be "myself." I was positive, and even accomplished some paperwork that helped me with my goals.          My daughter woke up, and I had fun with her. We were going to go out and enjoy the day. But the extra cake I had eaten for dessert was weighing me down, and I was unsure of where I was going. We took the train, and I got off at the first stop that might have places to go because of my daughter's antics and want...

               I love this feeling. I have more control over my actions and thoughts. I feel more able to do things and be who I want to be, I am feeling more real to myself.              I think of what I accomplished tonight and I am proud. I packed up 2 garbage bags worth of old clothes, my baby's and mine. Then I took a bath with my baby and got us clean, having fun in the process. And I talked my husband's ear off all about my feelings and what I want to achieve in life. In my narcissistic fashion, trying to make myself feel real and concrete. I need these talks when I spiral into feeling worthless and like I am not here. Stuck in the matrix of a "doing" person, and not truly feeling "alive." A woman I spoke to today said that trauma is something tragic and sudden, and if we don't work on it it can stay with us for even 70 years. G-d that sounded awful, but I know what she means. And I noticed it with h...

       Own your story. Own your ego. Then something amazing will happen to you. You will start to feel real, and be able to zoom out and see others. You will start to be able to control your responses to them, and treat them in the most efficient way. Especially "empaths," who take in the feelings of others. So you will be able to discern which feelings are theirs and which are your own. Until it will no longer be cloudy and you will be able to give them utmost care and help.

           So I realized something important. I used to always be worried about people not liking what I said or did, and constantly stressed about everything and decision I did and made. Now that I am more in alignment with mySELF inside, I stop looking so outward for every feedback. I trust in me, and the important thing that made me realize was that I cannot please everyone. And I know that's an old cliche. But it clicked into place in my mind; I understand it tangibly. By seeing it happen. I can only be me, and cannot control others. All I can control is myself. So I live for ME. And am no longer ashamed to, it is like my own perception and feeling expanded to larger than life. And it feels so good to KNOW myself better. And respect myself more. I am no longer "other-centered." Not a meek, quiet human. Don't hold others responsible for my state of being. And it feels soo good.            For example, I used to literall...

           It's obvious that the world doesn't decide how much of a good or bad person we are, because very skilled liars can fool anyone/everyone. Therefore, what WE feel about Ourselves is all that matters.           Outer admiration can never fulfill us if we are not embodying that feeling in us. He who is rich is happy with Himself.            This is also obvious to me because my daughter has her own reality that exists, despite how I feel. She feels she loves me, because I gave her life, DESPITE if I feel she does not love me. So My reality is true to ME and affects ME, but she still sees me in a different way. Now, if I went ahead with that belief I have and neglect her because I feel I do NOT make a difference to her, it'll hurt her very much. Because it'll shun her reality of loving and expecting my care/ nurture. So MY LIFE IS UP TO ME! How awesome is that?         ...

          When we are more confident about ourselves we know what we want easier than when we don't feel good about ourselves. We can point the way we want to go easily. Without questioning our every move. Such as, should I go to sleep now, or help my husband by cleaning the kitchen or putting things away? Codependent mindsets say to always do do do, while the true self does things with love and knows when to give to self to slow down. Recognizes the feelings and why they're there, and how to help them.          I steer myself better when more self-loving, and hear my emotions. When I panic, I see clearly why and sit with myself. Codependents are so disconnected from their emotions and bodies that they traumatize themselves over and over in order to be what they think they have to. It's all about how you feel when you do something. If it's negative, it's codependent. If positive, it's True self.         I liv...

That's it. It's all about ego and knowing yourself. In this world we are given challenges that prevent us from knowing ourselves. It is up to us to SIFT through the weeds and discern whether or not something is pulling us down or up. G-d remains hidden, He wants us to prove ourselves. We all came here to get through hell and make our way through unscathed. It is murder. To live in this gigantic, confusing world. Where up can sometimes seem down and down seem up. It's a crazy,  hard world. I am drifting away, yet trying to stay afloat. I hold onto that raft that I KNOW will not desert me. How do I KNOW? Because I FORCE myself to know it, simply because I care most about myself. I don't want to DIE. I want more than anything, and it's the only thing I am certain of, and why I emerged into this bat-crazy life experience, to FREE my soul from hell. I KNOW how bad it is. I KNOW I need life. I know what I need more than anything- and that is to make myself feel better ab...

It's a sudden unexpected terror or change that causes trauma. Is my daughter living in trauma state of mind? Because of her birth experience of trauma and being forced out with my fear, apprehension and pain? The way I felt it was beyond my choice and control? The way I felt out of control because of her? Or what about her personality? Didn't she kick very toughly all throughout the pregnancy? Wasn't she a stressed little fetus? Or what about the screaming and crying in the car with my fight with my husband that late summer vacation? And the other countless times that I felt I was going to die from emotional pain? And the running from job to job, trying to find my footing? And the mistrust and hatred spewing from all the people who made me feel like a little kid and garbage? When did the unexpected trauma occur? Or was it all expected? Like a frog in a intensifying hot beaker? Oh boy oh boy oh boy how are we going to fix it? My poor child. I only wish you knew more beauty ...

When you're not being pushed to your limit to grow, it is harder to do the work and you can forget your purpose. Lax in enjoyment. I find this interesting. When I am under stress I feel a lot better when I pull out of it. It's like, whew that was a close call from falling off the edge and now I can appreciate everything in my life. And then I fall, because I am not working towards my goals.  However, when I am living with consciousness and chosing to do things well and happily, and am working with a goal in mind, I am happy too. Despite there not being a low that I pulled out of. I guess sometimes I need reminders like that to push me to live with purpose. And it's funny, because usually WHEN I am not living with purpose I tend to fall into the lows in the first place.  Life has ups and downs, and I noticed my growth recently. When I wake up, I no longer stress about feeling pressured to get up even though it'll make my daughter wake up. I recognize the tri...

          When we are in trauma vortex, nothing seems possible. For me this comes when I don't pay attention to my own needs and feelings. Thinking I have to be perfect. I told the Aware Parenting group on facebook about my depression and guilt yesterday when I couldn't handle my daughter and I got loving responses. One person said when I said my daughter was too attention seeking, that if I took care of my own needs I would enjoy her more and not PUT THE BLAME ON HER. This was so true. I need to do things with my heart in it. I saw how Teal Swan acts with her son on an instagram video, how she's totally authentic and not over smiley and happy. I was appreciative of her authenticity. When people are too happy all the time we can sense in our soul that it's not real. I grew up with people like that and it became part of me to be that way. I am working on being what I feel. I have a pretty expressionless face most of the time, and I like that about myself. I keep...

           I am only learning now that the actions I take in life is solely because of me. I am a creator. We were listening to a YouTube video last night that popped up in my feed called One Of The Most Motivational Videos You'll Ever See [Warning- Belief Changer] by Video Advice. It was awesome, and he said that the greatest thing to understand is that every thought you have, every feeling you experience, makes up your life. So the best thing to do is to make sure you have good thoughts, because they create your reality. People prove this by talking about how it happened to them. How one wrote himself a check for millions of dollars and kept it in his pocket, and later he received it from work!           I am noticing now that everything is more in my control, as apposed to things happening around me that I cannot control. This was the mindset I was brought up with, being adopted and feeling like I didn't count. I was severely c...

        I spoke to my birth father tonight again after a couple of weeks of not calling. I was busy with my life. I decided to finally call, because I had thought often about him. I guess I didn't want to seem too eager, and wanted to take it slow. To avoid an awkward crash among-st all the desperate and unsure feelings on both sides. As I am not really sure of his interest of me.         I was not disappointed. He still cared, and I got a beautiful whiff of his love for me. I heard in his vice the intangible connection we had, and his need to hear from me. He sounded fully present, and invested in learning about me. It was a beautiful moment for me, and it hit me like a wave that this was what I needed all along. Behind all my desperate attempts to make myself feel important and good. I was missing a parent's unconditional love and admiration for me. And here it was, in the flesh and blood. I heard my ugly, seemingly whiny voice to my ears, and...

         Problem of living in survival mode and full of stress from daily life is because one thinks they are shameful for having feelings. It comes from repression and guilt of feelings. It comes from being belittled as a child for having the feelings, so shame from it and the need to stuff it away once it is approaching. This is done with spiritual bypassing, such as the telling oneself that they "must be grateful" for their lives, and that they "cannot feel sad because it is bad to be sad, and since they are 'perfect' they must be happy all the time." I am guilty of doing these things myself, too. All day pretty much. So I have to keep reminding and allowing my feelings to flow. Lisa A. Romano says that children learned to be shamed for their feelings by their parents discomfort or even anger at them for it, and it created energy blocking and having their feelings stuck in the body. Unable to get out. This is what causes them as adults to run from facing...

Hi stranger whom I call my own. I am you but I left your body. You are far from me, invisible in the shrouds. I found you again today, as I sifted through my old moments in a second of nostalgic memory. It drew me to yearn for you, and hold you close. Tears poured out of my eyes as I danced with your beautiful grace. I wanted to keep you forever, to lead you through my life and have you enjoy it with me. But alas I am alone again without you. And I feel desolate and empty here on this plane of darkness. I miss what we used to be. I love you. Yes, you guessed it. I was talking to my child self who lived a life in the darkness, yet managed to feel so free. I miss being her, because these days I am really out of touch with my self. As we get older we lose ability to feel more and more.  And my baby daughter triggers me to feel those moments of my past which I cannot feel. It engulfs me and I try to push it away by ignoring it. But at the end of the day it gets to me. She is s...

              People who have self differentiation, Jerry Wise says, are able to take more risks at greater intimacy and also risk of rejection. This is because they have an actual sense of self and don't feel they will be "worthless" if they get hurt by others. They are better able to discern who other people are instead of taking things personally and reacting from a projected view of things. He said that they have a zoomed of view of others, and this is explained by that they know who their ancestors were and how that affects how they see things. Amazing. So affirming in how ancestral background affects how each person develops. This is also why I need to discover my background more.             When we are able to know our ancestor's flaws and do not turn a blind eye on them, we can discern what we want to continue doing and what we want to cut away. That's why it's crucial to not just accept all behaviors just beca...

All that matters is how u feel. Without knowing what you feel, nothing is real. Without your heart in it, there is no direction for your life to go. If you give out of the goodness of your heart you expect nothing in return. This is why parents who take care of own needs have capacity to give fully to their kids. The ones who are enmeshed are in denial of their own needs, and blame their kids for not being able to fulfill them. I can only give what I have. Despite what others say or think I can do. It's really what I know about me that matters most.

       I've been thinking about how you shouldn't tell babies how to do things, or how what they're doing isn't the right way to do it. I read about that on the aware parenting Facebook group. I need to let my daughter do things her own way. This encourages her to be confident. The other way makes babies feel not good about themselves. A mother said that she has this urge to correct her kid, and it comes from having had that happen to get as a kid. Same here, and I realized that I try to correct or tell my daughter how to play with things and it takes her own self out of the play. She is at her own level and personality and I need to accept that. It'll help us be close and attune with each other.         It's the opposite of enmeshment, because it is not expecting something of the kid that is not her. It is about accepting who she is and flowing with that. It is true love.

Teal Swan said yesterday when people grew up in certain cultures where they are loved with strings attached, not truly loved for them but rather brought into the world to fulfill certain roles, they learn to fear love. To them love means debt, or rejection. Every time they were loved it was not true love it was only for something back. So they hate hearing those words. Sounds familiar to me. And I see it with others too. The fear and distrust at love. The needing to do favors, and shame and uncertainty if there is nothing to return. I also feel shame when people pay me compliments, because I see they need something and am not certain I can fill it. She said they get attracted to saving people because they don't believe they can give anything else of themselves, feeling they have no skills. Same. I am sick of the shame of getting things from others. I am working on taking and believing I deserve. This is what I need to do now. Take love. Self-love.  I need more appreciation...

      I am waiting for the time that I will be able to see myself clearly and know love for myself in good and bad times. Know my thoughts and conquer my negative ones. Understand where they come from and who I really am. This is why we need to know and hold onto what happened to us- to understand what it made us become. Because everything you go through especially as a child has an effect. And only once we know what happened to us can we see who we truly are, despite the negative ramifications. Because we can separate our learned behavior from our true selves. And feel love and light like the innocent child we once were. Unaffected by negative built-up repression. I believe I am very strong for having faced a lot of my trauma. And as I do, life gets lighter and happier. Until the next hurdle. I keep fighting. Each day builds upon another, and the improvements I make become ingrained in me, without me consciously seeing it until I notice how the old battles are a little ...

          People have to realize that trauma causes a person to see themselves as bad, and this is the cause for their falling into negativity and disbelief in their ability to rise. It is not true that they are worthless, it is only how they see themselves. Objectively they are just as capable as everyone else of succeeding. It is all colored by their past how they feel about themselves.         I used to truly feel unworthy of getting anything done, and felt lower than everyone. It was instilled in me when I was raised. I felt like a nothing, and constantly felt engulfed in self hate and rage. I grew up alone and isolated from everyone inside. I put up a false self to please everyone and make myself worthy of attention, but inside I despised who I was. It grew with me, and angry hateful voices in my head, too. Loads of guilt at every little thing I did wrong. I could do nothing right in my opinion. When I did, I managed to self blame a...

When have appreciation can get abundance because feel good enough. When in denial of problems cannot change because seems okay. But problems are really bad this way. When in control of mind, can control feelings. Don't have to repress them. Can use logic to help steer feelings right way. People are all about themselves. When they can see others too it's a beautiful thing. Until then they are all about themselves. 

                     She only goes to sleep when he rocks her. He said the trick is that he always shows her that he sees her by copying what she does to get his attention. But she always falls asleep with a fight with him. But he rocks persistently. I try everything he does but she still stays up and even more interested in every thing around. So we fight by dinner accusing one another of not caring about our daughter. But we are both annoyed about it. About not being able to calm her. I am more accusing. I scream. He withers. I apologize and try to explain. Both admit to our feelings. An hour later she is even less ready to sleep.           As I ly there on the bed with her moving around distractedly, I imagine how she doesn't love me. She is scared of my temper. I recoil inside. Listen to old, emotional melody. Though it is simple it strikes cords in me. I realize that love is truly the most wonder...

         It is true that when you do not have appreciation for things in your life, you cannot have abundance and will attract lack. This is because you feel you do not deserve, are not WORTHY of what you have. How did/do I experience this in my life?          I feel unworthy of existing deep down in my subconscious. Due to having been adopted. I feel unreal. As if I am only living as a shadow, a slave, to please others. It manifests in me resenting whenever I do get something good, because it is not who I feel I am. G-d loves us all, though and He puts us on the planet to realize and accept that. This brings us greatest joy. But until you realize you are loved you will have nothing. Figuratively and physically, because spiritual and physical are always aligned. So I go about my day trying to make myself useful, but feeling worst and worst and lonelier and lonelier. More useless and unimportant. Keep having to push myself to make my...

            I realized that we have to see the world objectively instead of only from our POV. I feel selfish a lot when I take care of my needs, thinking they are not legit needs. I feel horrible about myself when I see my daughter stressed out because of lack of attention, and blame myself for all the problems. It is my own self perception, because I was "built" and brought up to feel selfish for having needs. As Richard Grannon said in today's video, we were built for rejection, us emotionally abused. I was built to hate myself for existing, and I have to realize that in order to be able to change. And live a healthier life. And not cause my daughter to hate herself for having needs too.            I am not perfect, and I have needs. That does not make me a bad person. I still want to get better, and that is the main thing. I ask G-d for help in my journey of growth, because I want to get better and be able to spread love ...

           So I fell apart today and felt good about it. It's when I feel my emotions that I feel the most authentic me. It just came pouring out of my eyes, the pain that was too much to hold. It was a great weight on my shoulders, that I was carrying willingly. Until I let it all go. I saw myself for what I was doing to myself, and imagined the junk that was stuck to me. I thought of it last night too, when I was too exhausted and numb to let it go. So I noticed in inside, and prayed for a salvation and a time to let it go. I sighed and acknowledged it. Too weak. Feeling responsible for it and bad. My ego screamed it's not my fault I have a right to have this anger! And the fight inside persisted.          Did I deserve to have the anger? When my daughter didn't sleep because I was lazy? Because I was too caught up in my self? Too lazy and jaded to be happy. To caught up in the self-blame of being bad for not making my day co...

           I read some amazing things in The Aware Baby by Aletha J. Solter that really comforted and encouraged me in how to treat my child. She says on page 133 that if we frequently give our babies things to distract them when they cry, they will not have a chance to release some build up tension that they need to cry out and become "spoiled." I have noticed this with my daughter, that she has learned to repress her feelings a lot, and now I have a harder time getting her to express her feelings because she is constantly reaching for things to do when she is upset. It drives me mad, and I cannot handle her too well those times. I usually just wait until she is too tired to fight anymore and then get her to sleep, which can take hours. It is just impossible to get her to cry with me sometimes though.            She also says that a reason for stranger anxiety in babies 9-18 months may be because of how their mother reads ...

        I noticed many things about life. The sacrifices we make are what makes life feel interesting. For myself, I feel bored a lot with the routine, and need stimulating topics and things to think about. So when I found myself in a boring spot where I could not get out and do what I pleased, I felt stifled. I thought about how boring life was, and how all there was to interest me was food. But this is not the true reality of my life. It is the growth that excites me most in life. And even those stiff moments of seemingly pointlessness are important in their own way, I just have to find the beauty of them. Just because they are not stimulating momentarily, it does not mean that I cannot find enjoyment in them in some way.             So I thought about how nice it was to be spending time with my daughter and husband, and that I should appreciate these moments more. Because I honestly do not know how much more I will have of them. We ...